oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
