I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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