I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
