I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
