Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He passed out mid-signature
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
