I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
