Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
