i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
