You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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