I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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