I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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