so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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