my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
