So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I party with great urgency now.
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