I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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