dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
