Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
