I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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