Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
