i don't like sucking hair
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
