Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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