I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
