Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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