woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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