In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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