Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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