WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
