do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Randomize
