bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
