Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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