Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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