I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
