Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
