The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
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I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
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Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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