Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
