the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
