my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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