I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
