does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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