i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
