i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
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A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
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I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
my poor anus
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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