I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
