the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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