I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize