I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Randomize
