So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
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There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
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Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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