I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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