Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
