I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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