My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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