I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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