Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Randomize
