The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
