you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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