He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
