remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
